For that special cashier:
Since you're checking me out why don't we go to the movies?
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Skiing is believing!
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Baby you make my telescope expand.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
I think we need to become better strangers.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
Can I be your next varietal?
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.