"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
You must be a fossil because I would love to date you.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
Football is one habit I will never kick
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...