"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
What are the chances I open with a pun that’s so bad you Leah-ve me hanging?
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
Biology - It grows on you.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
"Have a hoppy Easter."
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.