Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
Every function without you will always be void of love.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
Can I claim your baggage?
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
"Some bunny loves you."
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
If you where a sheep I would clone you.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
A round of Santa-plause, please.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.