I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
Beach, please.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.