What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
Are you squiding me right now?
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Trowel and error.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Seed between the lines.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!