Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
"I whip my hare back and forth."
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.