What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
I’m elf-taught.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
I think you're barbe-cute.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.