My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.

If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".

There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.

I only have ice for you!

Time to spruce things up.

I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.

What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.

Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.

5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!

Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.

You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.

Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.

What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.

What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.

"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."

Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.

What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.

What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.

What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.

“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.

What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…

You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.

"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."

A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.

I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.

“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden

Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.

Where are sharks from?
Finland!

“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”

- Bill Vaughan.

Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.

What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.

How about you and I form a binary system?

It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.

“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite

Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).

What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.

What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!

Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!

Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.

Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.

"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.

“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris