Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Can I claim your baggage?
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
Are you a booger? Because I want to pick you first.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
"Alcohol you later."
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.