Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Sea you at the beach.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
I'm snow bored.
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time