“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
I like you a latke!
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
You have goat to be kidding me.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
I’m feelin’ pine.
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.