Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aldo.
Aldo who?
Aldo anything for you.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
I scored when I met you.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
Join us for a slice of fun.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
I find my core strength in you.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
Composers always score.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
I love you and I ain’t lion.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Hey girl, these swimming pool lane lines can't keep us apart.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.