I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers

I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.

How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.

Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.

What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.

Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.

Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.

Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.

Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!

Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.

Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.

Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"

What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.

Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.

Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.

Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!

What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!

Drink happy thoughts.

Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.

What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.

I’ve got my ion you, baby.

“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous

Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.

I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.

Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.

I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.

Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.

That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?

"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward

What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!

What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.

Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.

Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.

Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested

When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"

What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.

Bake big batches of bitter brown bread

My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys

Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.

He's over the moon!He's over the moon!

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!

An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.

Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.

My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.