What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
After all is sled and done.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer