Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
Let's boomerbang!
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna