just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
It takes one to snow one.
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.