"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson

What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.

Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!

Let’s list the froze and cons.

Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.

Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.

You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.

“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”

- Jerry Seinfeld

Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!

What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.

Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.

Shake your shamrocks.

Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.

A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.

My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.

What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.

Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.

My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.

What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.

What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!

What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.

What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.

Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac

If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.

I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.

Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.

What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."

Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?

I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.

Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM

I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.

Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.

Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.

A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.

I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.

“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?

I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.

Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.

I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.

Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss

What holds the moon up?

Moonbeams!

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield

What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”

Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.