Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.