Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers

What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?

"I guess you had to be there."

"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde

I like you sow much.

That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."

What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield

How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”

You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes

Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper

Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.

Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”

“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous

The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.

I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts

“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan

"Back that glass up."

What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.

What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.

"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown

You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!

Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.

How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?

Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?

My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.

Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Ima.

Ima who?

Ima horny, let's screw.

Will you be my G-Protein? Because I want to be coupled with you!

Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons

I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

(Judith Viorst)

Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.

The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...

A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.

What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!

Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.

“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam

If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.

What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.

Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.

The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.

What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."

How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.

Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.