Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
To get to the other tide.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
My lobster's name is:
Claude
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
Want to be workout buddies?
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
Make it rein.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.