What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
You’re my heartthrob.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
I’m soy into you.
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
You're hotter than sulfuric acid and sugar and you smell twice as sweet.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!