Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?

Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!

Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.

Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.

I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.

My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.

What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman

I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.

What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus

“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates

Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.

What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a

"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner

What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub

Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...

“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”

- Hebrew Proverb.

Beer-lieve it or not!

What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys

What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.

"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.

Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.

“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn

What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue

Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!

What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!

The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!

A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.

What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.

I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope

What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.

What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”

If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.

The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!

How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”

Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,

About Six-tea years to date,

Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,

her cupious amazing traits

Her balanced demeanour

Her Kindness and (earl) grace,

rooibost sense of humour,

too many to name in this teany space,

to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,

let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,

While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,

It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.

Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.

"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml

What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry

Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.

Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.

From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun

I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson

“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern