My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.