I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
Don’t be elfish.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.