Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
When I log my run in my journal today, it will say I ran with my future wife today.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.