My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
Rebel without a Claus.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.