Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Is it me or is there an interaction between us?
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
I know you are a goalie but I hope you don’t stop me from scoring tonight.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!