Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
I now believe in Angels.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
You’re so hot, you denature my enzymes.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.