I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.
Hey, you can r’Eli on me to be a fun date
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.