I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers