My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.