My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Better read than dead.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
Love me do
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
You’re so pharma-cute-ical!
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.