“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
Let's boomerbang!
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Stay true to your shelf.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
Why don't you reach in and grab some popcorn?
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
I whale always love you.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.