Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.