Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
"I wood never leaf you."
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.