What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
I may not be Mumford, but do you want to have my sons?
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.