The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Join us for plenty of play action.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
When God made you, he was just showing off.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.