After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!