Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Ommmm... let's meet up in our spirit form.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
"Dying to have fun."
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.