What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
"Partners in wine."
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
It’s worth a shot.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
Your love will always be up to par.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?