I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
Herb your enthusiasm.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.