What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
You are sweeter than 3.14.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.