Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
I'm pine-ing for you.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
"I don't tan. I burn"
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
I would love to show you first class.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.