Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
What did the detective say after finding a calculator?
"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."
I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"Partners in wine."
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.