I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.