"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
I love you so fairy much.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring