What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Don't fork-get your manners.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
Hey girl, these swimming pool lane lines can't keep us apart.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
Nice Ass-teroid.
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.