Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.