What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
They say everything gets better with age.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!