What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
Are you doing Ananda Balasana, or are you just happy to see me, baby?
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
I beg your garden?
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert