How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
"I'm nuts about you."
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
"There's no bunny like you."
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.