Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Dublin’ the fun.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
I want to read you from cover to cover.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”