I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
Stay true to your shelf.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
"I mead more wine."
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store