How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Nothing really mattress.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
I'm just like an Easter bunny - sweet, but hollow on the inside.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
How was heaven when you left it?
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!