What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
Life is better when we stick together.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
My name is Romeo, will you be my Juliet?
"No wine left behind."
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!