Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."