You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
Nice pumpkins!
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
That’s a-may-zing!
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
Best in snow.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”