What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.

Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?

What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner

Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.

"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer

If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...

"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris​

Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.

Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?

What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.

What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”

- Cary Grant.

Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!

I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.

You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.

Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.

“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer

What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.

“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”

- Mike Todd.

I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.

A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.

What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.

The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!

“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter

Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.

How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.

What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log

“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson

I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong

Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.

"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

- Oscar Wilde

It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.

What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.

What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!

An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.

Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!

“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger

My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield

Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.

I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.

Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.