I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
Salty but sweet.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
I'm pine-ing for you.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?