I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to use a condom?
I have the final sleigh.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.