There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.

In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.

Are you a fire detector?
Because you're loud and annoying.

Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.

I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.

What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.

How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.

What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.

Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!

How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.

I whale always love you.

I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.

When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"

“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'

What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.

I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!

Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”

What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef

Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.

What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.

Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.

What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

Let's cross the international dateline together.

Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers

Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.

There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.

I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost

What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.

When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!

When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.

What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.

"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."

What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.

What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy

There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.

Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.

“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.

What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.

History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.

Can I be Candide with you?