What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"Great minds drink alike."
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
Can’t pinch this.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.