An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Treat yo shelves.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
I’m rooting for you!
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.