I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
Can I help you carry your groceries to the car?
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
I think we need to become better strangers.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.