“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What are the chances I open with a pun that’s so bad you Leah-ve me hanging?
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.