I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
I made a snap decision to watch football today
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
Even the Chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
Gold riddance.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.