I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
when I’m with you.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.