I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
That was thaw-some!
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.