“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
I like you a latte.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
Here’s my number. Send me a text when you’re ready to fall in love with me.
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?