What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
Beach, please.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.