What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
Take off all your cloves.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
Something in the way you move attracts me like no other
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
Hey Bella, looking for a fella?
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.