I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
We’re a perfect mash.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.