A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."

What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.

What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.

What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai

What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."

"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus

“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs

The direction fields of my heart all point to you.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker

A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.

A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

Even the Chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.

The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.

What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg

What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!

My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”

If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.

I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!

What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.

I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.

There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.

My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.

What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.

What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.

I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.

Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’

What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!

Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!

Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.

"Just looking on the sunny side."

Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.

I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.

My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”

What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee

I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed

“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill

I like you a latke!

"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."

"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.

"Because its always jammin"