I'd start a revolution for your number.
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
I know hundreds of Pi digits, but what I really want to know is the 7 digits of your phone number.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
"Humor is reason gone mad."
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!