“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.