What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
I C Major potential in us getting together.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
You are un-beer-lievable!
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!