What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
Hey baby, can I get your phone number? Oops, too late.
Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
I want to stretch with you.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
"You can't beat me."
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.