Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.