Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
"Adulting makes me wine."
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
I like you, you croc my world.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.