"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
How Rudolf you to say that!
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
God was just showing off when he made you.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
What is your favorite yoga pose?
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.