What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?
You look like my future ex wife.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
"Sip, sip hooray."
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn