A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
Deaf mute gets new hearing
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!