Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.