"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
Don’t worry, beer happy.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
"It's wine o'clock."
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.