“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Are you a computer technician?
Because you turn my hardware into software.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
I always have a souper time with you.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.