What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
"You can't sip with us."
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
Beer-lieve it or not!
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?