Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.