Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
It was mitten in the stars.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
I Tour de Francy you.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!