Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Do you comma here often?
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
Ommmm... let's meet up in our spirit form.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Nice to meet you, Jasmine… so shall we remove the Jas and just make you Mine?
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.