What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.