My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
Prepare to be bowled over.
You’ve been working too yard.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
You’re my heartthrob.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!