Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
Give me your number so I can make the call.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
I C Major potential in us getting together.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
I have bean thinking about you.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
I like big books and I cannot lie.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!