What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
You have a pizza my heart.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
"Alcohol you later."
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.