What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
"You deserve better and so do I."
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Owl always love you.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain