I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
Biology - It grows on you.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
I eat eel while you peel eel
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
You are shrimply the best!
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.