Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
Are you doing Ananda Balasana, or are you just happy to see me, baby?
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
"No eggs-cuses."
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
I like you cherry much.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.