Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.

My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"

What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)

You’re my pot of gold.

It's ice to meet you.

A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.

Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.

May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.

May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.

If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?

Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.

The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.

What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.

What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”

The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.

"Stop and smell the rosé."

Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!

Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.

What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.

Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!

What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.

What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!

Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss

Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.

What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.

What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.

“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg

What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.

The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'

The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?

There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'

What is your favorite yoga pose?

Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.

What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie

What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.

Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.

Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.

My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!

“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke

Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!

“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous

My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!

What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!

Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?

Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson

"Love the wine you're with."

What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.