Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.