All things must grass.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
There once was a bad ghoulish goblin.
Thump, thump on a crutch he was hobblin’.
It was Halloween night.
He dared to give a fright.
But he fell to the ground; he was wobblin’.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?