"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
How about a kanga-root?
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O