Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
I told you snow.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
You're embarrassed by my dense pickup lines? OK, I won't continuum. I'll be more discrete.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
I'm Claus-trophobic.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Nice to meet you, Jasmine… so shall we remove the Jas and just make you Mine?
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
---
Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.