What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aldo.
Aldo who?
Aldo anything for you.
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.