"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
Nice asteroids.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.