Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...

Dying to Czech it out

What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.

I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!

A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.

Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.

How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.

Yeah, you’re gonna love Big Ben. Oh wait, you mean the clock.

“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox

What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?

I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.

Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.

Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!

It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.

You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)

I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.

Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.

Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.

Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.

Do you need some encourage-mint?

Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!

Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.

Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!

Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...

As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.

Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..

"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)

“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober

Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.

My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.

Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.

The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.

Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.

What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee

Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.

Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!

Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!

Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.

Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.

A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."

What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.

How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.