What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.