How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
You leave me Wonton more.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
I always have a ball with you.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
You’re so stunning even the Language Police are speechless.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy