Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
I'd make like Jacob and work seven years for you to be my bride.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww