You’ve got more curves than a cross country track.
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
You have a pizza my heart.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Broken pencils are pointless.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
That’s a bit mulch.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
When we met, it was love at frost sight.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!