Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!