I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.