Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
I think you are suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
(Amos Russel Wells)
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
Sip, sip, horray!
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams