Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
I want you more than I want world peace.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
We are mint to be.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr