Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.