Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!